Candle on the Water
by Sapadu
Summary: A year since Kyoto, Tsuzuki and Hisoka patch up their relationship and find what they both have longed so dearly for.


Um... I really have no excuse for this fic, except that I wanted MediaMiner to have at least one sap-saturated, lemon-free, sealed-with-a- kiss, Tsuzuki/Hisoka fic.  
  
Yoko Matsushita owns Yami no Matsuei and thus she doesn't have to do anything that this fic implies. Although, we all WOULD appreciate if the anime beyond episode thirteen would be released... right, off topic.  
  
I'm wondering if this should be a song-fic... um... YEAH! SURE! WHY NOT? Here's the fic...  
  
Candle on the Water  
by: Me, Sapadu  
  
Tsuzuki stretched, raising his arms over his head until his back popped. The office chairs were terribly uncomfortable and it was almost time for the workday to be over. The prospect of going home and relaxing on a big, comfy, though quite abused by previous owners couch was practically enough to make the over grown puppy wag his tail.  
'And it's the weekend, too. So that'll be two whole days that I won't have to wake up at 6:30 in the freaking morning or miss out on Cinnamon Buns or...' Tsuzuki's mental ramble wore away as the very senior Shinigami looked over at the seat his partner usually occupied. The VACANT seat.  
"'Soka?" Tsuzuki sat up straighter in his seat. It wasn't unheard of for Hisoka to just disappear if you took your eye off of him for even the briefest of seconds, but it was uncommon for him to be gone so long when he DID disappear. And, judging by the fact that Hisoka had put away all of his papers, pens, and pencils and his jacket was gone from over the back of the seat, he had left and not intended to return. Signs like THAT tended to make Tsuzuki worry, or at least think for a good long time.  
Tsuzuki rose from his chair and went over to the doorway of the office cubicle he shared with his teen aged partner. First, he checked that nobody was coming, then he skittered out, in search of his partner.  
"'Soka? 'Soka?" Purple eyes peeked around every corner, looking for some sign of sandy hair, or a jean jacket, or even an orange shirt- 'cuz Kami-sama knew that only Hisoka would ever dare to don a color that looked so horrible... then again, only Hisoka would look good in it.  
"Oi, Watari, have you seen Hisoka?" Tsuzuki poked his head into the orange-haired scientist's lab. Watari looked up from the Periodic Table he had been bent over.  
"Oh, Bon? Many times! He does come in every day, you know..." Watari started to babble. To Tsuzuki's credit, the test tubes around the room didn't shatter.  
"No, I mean today. Recently..." Tsuzuki pressed. He'd been searching for a while and only now was he asking people.  
"Hmm. I can't imagine Bon's changed THAT much(1). Or at all for that matter." Watari mused. Tsuzuki facefaulted, and then crept away quietly as Watari started to ramble on with pointless talk. Generally, when Watari wouldn't give a straight answer, it meant he wanted to be left alone.  
Tsuzuki finally found Hisoka under one of the tables in the library. Hisoka had been taking his revenge on Tsuzuki for all the times the idiot had started play hide-and-seek without telling him. Tsuzuki hadn't been all that mad after that.  
"Why were you looking for me, anyway?" Hisoka asked. Tsuzuki was caught off guard and instead of trying to answer intelligently, began to stutter.  
"Um... I guess I was just worried about you, 'Soka." Tsuzuki replied, making his best puppy-eyes to keep his partner from lashing out at him.  
"...... Okay." The blond shrugged and walked out of the library, a book in his hands. Tsuzuki couldn't help but linger back... He'd just admitted he'd been worried about his partner and all the boy had to say was 'Okay'? Maybe Hisoka was sick.  
"Hey... Hisoka, do you want me to walk you home?" Tsuzuki tried, hurrying to fall back in stride with his partner.  
"Please? Could you?" Hisoka's reply almost made Tsuzuki fall over. Not only was he LETTING Tsuzuki walk him home, but Hisoka was POLITELY ASKING! Hisoka wasn't sick: He was POSSESSED!  
"WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE REAL KUROSAKI HISOKA?!" Tsuzuki demanded, seizing his so-called 'partner' by the shoulders and slamming him into the wall. The youth rolled his jade-green eyes.  
"First you call me a brat and complain that kids have no respect for their elders, and once I start acting politely, you get all paranoid! Tsuzuki, if you want me to act a certain way, stop sending such contradicting messages." Hisoka said, ducking out of the livid shinigami's grip, "And, by the way, Tatsumi-san gave me specific instructions to at least try and be pleasant for the week. I just don't wanna lose my job or my head."  
Tsuzuki didn't know that Hisoka was, in fact, lying through his teeth. Tatsumi had given him no such instructions, but Hisoka felt it would be necessary to be more pleasant around Tsuzuki since they had gotten back from their case in Kyoto. Tatsumi and Watari had urged him to act as normally as possible, but Hisoka knew better; if he just went on calling Tsuzuki an idiot and ignoring him when he whined, it would only be a matter of time before all the things he had said in Touda's fire would be meaningless to Tsuzuki... before Tsuzuki would think that Hisoka hadn't meant anything that he had said.  
But Tsuzuki didn't need to know that. He would be upset if he thought that Hisoka was holding himself back on his account, and that was completely unacceptable. Not after...  
Well, that was in the past. Tsuzuki had been trying to teach Hisoka that the past doesn't matter (despite not believing in that concept himself) and Hisoka figured that if he was ever going to help Tsuzuki get back on his feet, he should at least start by trying to take Tsuzuki's advise.  
Tsuzuki seemed to have calmed down as he walked alongside the younger, quieter shinigami, and, babbling on about plans for the weekend, the pair walked in the general direction of Hisoka's flat.  
It was rather late once they got there, as the pair had taken a detour through the grounds surrounding the HQ and Tsuzuki had wanted to stop and smell EVERY flower that they had come across, so, naturally, Tsuzuki was delighted not to turn down his green-eyed friend's invitation to stay for dinner.  
"Mmm... this is GREAT, 'Soka!" The hyper-active puppy yapped from across the table. Hisoka shrugged, trying, honest-to-Kami, to smile.  
"Thanks. This is my first time actually making something like this." Hisoka prodded at the terayaki chicken(2) on his own plate. He'd eaten as much as his practically non-existent stomach could hold, which left a good bit on his plate. Tsuzuki had had a second helping already, which was mostly the chicken which Hisoka couldn't stomach.  
"You wanna listen to some music? I get a few pretty good stations here." Hisoka asked, gesturing towards a radio on the counter. Tsuzuki, delighted at the prospect of Hisoka actually being NICE to him, soaked it up and nodded, enthusiastically.  
"Yes! Please!" Tsuzuki grinned, smiling like a maniac. Hisoka sighed. When HAD he become such a pushover?  
After flipping through a few stations of rather horribly composed songs and profane lyrics, Hisoka finally found a station with some rather decent music on it. He was only half listening, but Tsuzuki was humming along with the melody.  
'He looks just like a little kid. What is this? A sing-along? Well, guess it doesn't matter, if he's really feeling better.' Hisoka sighed softly. There was something he'd been meaning to talk to Tsuzuki about ever since they'd recovered in the hospital wing, but he'd either been denied any opportunities, or any opportunities he'd had, someone would interrupt, every, single, god-forsaken day for the past month or so. Now... did he really have the heart to break the spell hanging over the room?  
"Tsuzuki..." Hisoka started. The purple-eyed shinigami stopped humming with the music and looked up at the teen before him.  
"'Soka? N-Nani desu ka?" Tsuzuki asked, staring intently at the teenager before him. Hisoka's cheeks were going red- a sure sign that something was bothering him and he wished to talk about it. 'Finally, he's opening up to me.' Tsuzuki thought.  
"We need to talk about something." Hisoka finally blurted out. Tsuzuki nodded, being agreeable to this, and followed his partner into Hisoka's living room. Tsuzuki noted, with some degree of shock, that all Hisoka had in the room was a lamp and a couch. The shock was over as Hisoka gestured for the elder shinigami to sit next to him on the couch.  
"What's wrong, 'Soka? Daijobu desu ka?" Tsuzuki asked, seeing the flush rise from Hisoka's cheeks to his forehead, spread across the bridge of his nose and out to his ears. Hisoka always could blush easily, but this was beyond embarrassment.  
"Oh, I'm fine, but... it's you I'm worried about..." The envy-eyed younger of the pair replied. Tsuzuki stared at him, taken aback by this honest response from such a usually unresponsive boy.  
"... Why?" Tsuzuki hesitated in asking, but if Hisoka was willing to tell him that he wanted to talk, then he figured that the boy would also answer this honestly.  
"Well... um... it's about what happened in... you know..." Hisoka couldn't bring himself to say 'Kyoto' but Tsuzuki's flinch told him well enough that he understood what Hisoka meant.  
"Oh... um... well..." Tsuzuki stumbled over his words. How was he supposed to feel? Come to think of it, how did HISOKA feel about it? The lavender-eyed man knew his partner was worried about him, but what had he done to warrant that worry... well, lately, he meant. And what degree of worry was it his partner held for him? The concern of a friend? A business based responsible feeling towards a partner at work? Familial worry? ....... Love?  
"I just want to know if you're really doing better. I know that you're acting like you're okay, but are you? If you don't wanna talk about it, that's fine, but I'd really appreciate it if you did." Hisoka explained. Tsuzuki almost choked. It was just unnerving him that Hisoka was being so... caring... Tsuzuki had never seen the boy be this understanding, or trusting, in all the time that they'd worked together.  
Tsuzuki sighed, closed his eyes to fight off the on coming headache, and leaned back against the couch.  
"Well, now that you've brought it up... I'm doing a lot better. No, really, I am... mostly because I'm getting even less 'You idiot's and 'Get off your ass and do your job's but..." Tsuzuki's voice cracked. A lot better wasn't much better when he considered how screwed up he'd been and all that Muraki had said to him... Hisoka looked at his partner and just noticed, probably even before Tsuzuki noticed, that there were tears leaking out of the crystalline eyes.  
Tsuzuki jumped as Hisoka's hand brushed against his cheek, taking the tears from his eyes from the curve of his cheek. The elder shinigami turned to see the leafy eyes of his partner softer, kinder, and gentler than he'd ever seen a pair of eyes before, let alone Hisoka's eyes.  
"...S-Soka?" Tsuzuki stammered, trying not to hiccup.  
"Shh. It's okay, Tsuzuki. It's okay." Hisoka whispered, brushing new tears out of Tsuzuki's eyes.  
Faintly, in the background, they could hear the song on the radio.  
I'll be your candle on the water.  
My love for you will always burn...  
Hisoka lowered his shields and projected his emotions forward, unto the one person who needed to feel for himself how others felt for him, who needed it more than even food or water at this moment in all of eternity.  
'It's okay, Tsuzuki. Just let go for a while. It's okay.' Tsuzuki could hear Hisoka's thoughts being passed into his mind. And, as much as he doubted, he let go.  
I know you're lost, and drifting,  
But the clouds are lifting...  
'Do you mean that, 'Soka? Is it really okay for me to cry?' Tsuzuki wondered, several stray tears slipping from his eyelashes. Hisoka smiled- his first smile, all for him- wrapped his arms around the broad shoulders of his best friend, and pulled the weeping man into a hug.  
'Silly. Would I say something that serious if I didn't mean it? Of course it's okay.' Hisoka told him through their mental connection. Tsuzuki clutched at his smaller partner even tighter, sobbing without control, the reason for his weeping completely forgotten.  
Tsuzuki didn't realize that Hisoka had dove into his mind and was holding back the memories of Muraki's words, his own actions, Touda, and everything else even remotely related to the situation. Let Tsuzuki cry as much as he needed to... deal with all of it, one thing at a time... it would be less painful for both of them that way.  
As long as the pain was kept at bay, Hisoka could still keep Tsuzuki's mind whole, still give him hope, keep Tsuzuki from losing all faith.  
Don't give up,  
You have somewhere to turn...  
'Hisoka... did you mean what you said? That your place was with me?' Tsuzuki asked, now trembling in his partner's arms. Hisoka's hands ran over his back, smoothly, caressing the muscles along his spine, repressing his shivering. The boy smiled against one of the broad shoulders of Jouchou's most powerful employee.  
The words he had said amongst Touda's black flames had been the first words he'd ever truly meant, from the bottom of his heart. The tears he'd cried had been the first tears he'd ever shed without shame. The embrace he'd enveloped his partner in had been the first caress he'd ever instigated, ever shared with another person, and not flinched away. Ever since Kyoto, he'd done all sorts of things for the first time that many people took for granted.  
'You goof ball! What did I just tell you about when I say things as serious as that?' Hisoka's smile widened as he heard Tsuzuki finally chuckle. But it wasn't a chuckle of joy, or laughter, but it wasn't sad either. It was... just emotional. And Hisoka knew why.  
All this time, instead of chiding, or calling Tsuzuki 'bakaryou' as he always did, Hisoka had been calling him 'silly' and 'goof ball'... those were names that implied idiocy, but they were always loving, always kind... it was almost like Hisoka was telling Tsuzuki outright that he loved him... but Tsuzuki, ever disbelieving of anyone being able to care for a monster like him, just didn't understand. No body had ever cared about him before. Why would Hisoka care? What right did he have to warrant affection from a being as perfect, as wonderful as Hisoka was?  
A cold and friendless tide has found you...  
Don't let the stormy darkness pull you down...  
"Hisoka..." Tsuzuki spoke with his voice for the first time in minutes, and it was hoarse and hicuppy. He let Hisoka rock him for a minute before speaking again. "Hisoka... do you love me?" Tsuzuki heard Hisoka take a deep breath and mistook it for a gasp, "Gomen nasai, I didn't mean to..."  
"Shh. Tsuzuki, if I ever said I didn't love you, forgive me, because it was a lie." Hisoka replied, his fingertips placed over Tsuzuki's lips, "Gomen, for ever giving you a reason not to believe that. But now that I know you wouldn't mind, just tell me how you feel, and we can go from there." Hisoka pulled away from the embrace he had enfolded Tsuzuki into, and went to dry his partner's eyes. Tsuzuki took a deep breath and let himself wallow in the sea of emotions that Hisoka was soothing him with: Tenderness, Kindness, Compassion, Gratefulness, Longing, Relief, Love, and Hope, all so pure and wholehearted as Tsuzuki had never thought the boy before him could feel or express. No where did he feel any kind of overwhelming, horrible feeling that some people wrongly believed to be love- No lust, no possessiveness, no jealousy, no anger, no fear, not even fear of rejection. It was as though the bratty, obnoxious Hisoka who Tsuzuki had met two years ago had been replaced with some sort of angel.  
I'll paint a ray of hope around you....  
"I don't know, Hisoka. I really don't know. It's just that whenever you're around, I'm not worried or upset, because I at least know where you are. Whenever something happens, something really bad, I feel horrible if it's happened to you and wish I could have stopped it, and if you're spared, there's no end to how much I thank whatever deity saved you. When you're with me, sometimes, I actually believe that I'm human, and all the people I've hurt and killed... I don't hear their voices screaming in my head... almost as though you've told them to leave me alone, or silenced them, or made me def... When you're with me... I feel stronger than anything in the world, be it Tatsumi's shadows or Touda's fire..." Tsuzuki trailed off into silence as Hisoka draped him back into an embrace.  
"Then does it matter if you know exactly WHAT you feel for me, as long as we know that we feel the same way about each other?" Hisoka said, smiling for Tsuzuki to see. Tsuzuki finally smiled back, the last of his tears drying up before they even slid down his cheeks.  
At last, this is what they'd both wished for: to see each other smile and for their own smiles to be reflected for them.  
Circling in the air...  
Lighted by a prayer...  
Hisoka tightened his grip around the man he loved and reopened their mind link. After sifting through, to make sure he was clear of what Tsuzuki was thinking, he sent a message.  
'Since you seem so worried that the obnoxious, teenage me is gone, I'll just tell you this once- You, Tsuzuki Asato, are a baka. I'm just working on being nicer. So, if every so often I end up yelling at you, it's just because I need to vent. Don't get hung up on such petty things, kono bakaryou(3)' Hisoka reassured. Tsuzuki giggled at the name. It was as though everything was back to normal... considering that normal was when he'd met Hisoka and before Muraki had met them both. It was just like those two precious days when they had not had the diabolical doctor(4) hanging over their heads, when Hisoka hadn't been cursed or raped to either of them, when Tsuzuki had been an idiot who put himself out to protect others, who vowed to be there for Hisoka... except... there was a feeling of trust between them... Hisoka didn't care about finding his murderer and Tsuzuki was not worried about a vampire on the streets whom he had to find and stop... it was just them, the music, and their love...  
A prayer....  
'Soka?'  
'Hmm?'  
A pause. Breathing. Worry. Reassurance. Uncertainty. Confidence.  
'Do you love me?'  
A smile. Waiting. Wistfulness. Confusion. Peacefulness.  
'Aa. I love you very much, Tsuzuki.'  
The stronger arms tightened around the lithe body.  
'Good. Arigatou.'  
'Tsuzuki?'  
'Hai?'  
'You love me too, right?'  
Another pause. Concentration. Patience. Wishing. Patience. "Is it alright for me to be here?"(5) Patience.  
'Aa. I do. Aishiteru. Aishiteru, Hisoka.'  
I'll be your candle on the water...  
This flame inside of me will grow...  
"Hisoka? What about you? Are you okay?" Tsuzuki broke the spell, and the sea of emotions between them faded from his senses. Hisoka could still feel his koi's emotions loud and clear, but could no longer let Tsuzuki feel his without stretching out to him.  
"For once, I am. You've made me trust people, Tsuzuki. You've changed me from a bitter and aloof person to someone as caring as you are yourself. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have been able to help you as I just did. Arigatou. Arigatou, aisuru." Hisoka replied. Tsuzuki felt himself glowing. Such wonderful words... surely he didn't deserve them... but he didn't believe that out of any true feeling... the thought just sprang to his mind out of humility, not of any negative thought he held against himself.  
Keep holding on...  
You'll make it...  
"Will you stay with me?" Tsuzuki asked into the silence.  
"I said I was sick of being alone, didn't I?" Hisoka replied, snuggling into the embrace.  
Here's my hand,  
So take it...  
Tsuzuki pulled back and looked into Hisoka's liquid green eyes, as though looking for something beyond his lover's face.  
Look for me,  
Reaching out to show...  
Hisoka stared back into the lavender eyes of his partner, smiling at what he realized Tsuzuki was looking for, and he leaned forward, bringing their faces closer to eachother. Tsuzuki leaned into it, looping his arms around Hisoka's slender waist as the boy wrapped his arms around Tsuzuki's neck.  
As sure as rivers flow...  
And when their lips met, the spell of complete open-ness came over them again- Hisoka's gift spread throughout the room, leaving them both to bask in all the emotions the young empath felt coming from Tsuzuki and his own heart, Tsuzuki could hear the thoughts running through the mind of his newly found aisuru, and both of them could feel the love pulsing with their own synchronized heartbeats.  
Tsuzuki savored the kiss, letting his own mind go free, his emotions reaching out and grasping the hands of Hisoka's love and warmth. Hisoka was lost, completely in a daze over the feeling of Tsuzuki's lips against his own. He'd always known they would be gentle and soft, but Hisoka hadn't anticipated the first kiss he'd share with his love to be so intense. Perhaps it was because they both were so anxious for this one shot at true love to actually work out right that they were just desperate.  
Hisoka knew that if they really were going to have a true romance, they would have to let it come naturally. He sent this message to Tsuzuki and immediately, all of his love's fears and tensions drained away, leaving both lovers smiling into their kiss.  
I'll never let you go...  
I'll never let you go...  
'Aishiteru, 'Soka...'  
'Aishiteru mou, Tsuzuki.'  
I'll never let... you... go... Owari  
  
A/N/S: Here are somethings I wanted to note  
(1) This is from 'Piglet's Big Movie' I figured it would be funny to put in here.  
(2) I've had a lot of things made with teriyaki sauce. I think it's disgusting. But I have no idea of whether or not teriyaki chicken tastes good, so I'm just hoping that it tastes good and using it here, since Tsuzuki seems to agree with me on many food based subjects.  
(3) Anyone recognize this quote of Hisoka's? It's from the last episode of the Devil's Trill arc.  
(4) Look on the back of the DVD covers if you live in America. On the back of 'Demon's Reckoning' it describes Muraki like this.  
(5) Please tell me if this is what Hisoka and Tsuzuki say in Touda's fire:  
H: I want you to exist, if only for me. Please, I'm so tired of being alone. My only place is here, with you, in your heart.  
T: Is it alright for me to be here?  
That's what the subtitles and dub say in the version of the anime that I have. Please tell me if they're wrong.  
  
So, waddya think? Please review. I need something to eat and survive on. 


End file.
